This is from an old Dixie Chicks song and pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now (aside from the "expecting you" part). If you know this song, you know it's about a guy breaking the singer's heart. That's not what I'm referring to here. I'm talking about that wonderful heartache called chronic depression. That thing that I always think I can get out of my life for good, despite the fact that I've battled it since childhood and have been diagnosed with a mood disorder. It's crept up on me once again. Now that I realize it, it's time to face it head on and get my life back on track.

Hello Mr. Heartache, I've been expecting you
Come in and wear your welcome out
The way you always do
You never say if you're here to stay
Or only passin' through
So hello Mr. Heartache,
I've been expecting you

Good Mourning

It's 5:00 in the morning and I've been wide awake for the last hour because I had an upsetting dream. I was pregnant. My partner wasn't thrilled about it but he was being supportive. I was very happy about it. I went into labor early and had to be rushed to the hospital. That's where the dream ended.

I felt so sad when I woke up. I'm just laying here thinking about why that is. I think I'm mourning that I'll never have a "normal" pregnancy, a "normal" birth, and a "normal" child. We get what we get in life, and we get it all for a reason. I believe that, and I wouldn't trade my life or my children for anyone else's, but I don't think I've really come to full acceptance yet.

Seven years, and I'm still grappling with the situation of my pregnancy and the boys' birth. In some ways I think the wounds ache more now then ever before. Maybe it's because I'm in a safe, supportive relationship now, in an emotional space where I'm able to feel these emotions and work through them. Maybe it's because I wish I could make a child with the wonderful man I'm with. I hate focusing on negatives, though. Maybe that's why its hard for me to accept that I have these feelings. I just want to be grateful for what I have. Sometimes it is so tempting to feel sorry for myself, and I just don't want to go there.

The truth is, I wanted a different path. I wanted to have a child while in a supportive, loving relationship. I wanted a healthy baby. I wanted to nurse. But beyond that...God, I love my children so fiercely. They are beautiful, healthy, smart, funny, and amazing. "Normal" isn't really a word in my family's vocabulary, anyway.

Sense of Humor

Alex was reading Highlights magazine a few days ago and burst out laughing. He had read a knock-knock joke and got the humor in it! Ever since he's been learning new knock-knock jokes and telling them over and over. This morning he sneezed and I said "Bless you." His response was "Ash", and of course I had to say "Ash who?" "Bless you!" he replied.

Mommy ate the bunny's eyes

Alex is so upset that I ate the eyes off his chocolate Easter bunny. He was squeezing my stomach and trying to get me to spit them out. "I want to get the eyes out!" Now he's in bed crying that we need to go to the doctor so the doctor can get the eyes out of Mommy. I thought he didn't want to eat the bunny because he was afraid to, something like the way he's afraid of stuffed animals. I was trying to show him that it was okay. Turns out he wanted to keep it just the way it was. Oops!

Happy Easter?

While the rest of the family was enjoying Easter brunch I was sitting on the family room floor with Alex in a full body hold. Sometimes life is so damn unfair.

I've just been realizing in the last few days how angry I am that I have an autistic child. I've never thought of that before, but I think it's been there. Maybe that anger is a big part of why I'm so unhealthy. It's not a feeling I want to deal with, anger over who my child is, but it has to go somewhere...

Language

Alex is doing it again, narrating a language-less movie. "Wall-E" was his favorite for a long time. Aside from "The Sound of Music" it's the only movie he's sat through for more than half an hour. It intrigued me at the time, his love for this movie that contains almost no language for the first hour. Now, as his own ability to use language has developed, he is enjoying the movie again while narrating the actions and emotions. The autistic brain is so fascinating!

No Batteries Required

Alex wanted a Nintendo DS like his cousin's, so he made one. Out of Legos. From memory. Here it is next to the original. I love my child's mind.